Limbo

I lied.
I'm not going to write a book.
Not a cookbook, or any other kind of book.
Well, maybe I didn't lie exactly, but I did overestimate my dedication, time, and abilities. I don't have the slightest idea how to make a bunch of thoughts and words into an actual book. It's too big a project, given everything else I have going on right now. (And I'm sorry I still can't tell you about the rest of it, but please trust me when I say it's all good. Someday I'll be able to talk again.) Besides, I recently read somewhere that about 3% of published authors make enough money at it to make it worth the effort financially. I still live in a world where I need to get paid for my work, which is pretty funny, considering all the things I'm doing these days for no money at all. Turns out, sometimes we do what we do for the love of the doing, or the love of someone else. Sometimes we get paid in a currency other than cash. I'm OK with that... for now. But when I get to a place where it's time to Do My Work again, I damn well want to get paid for it.

Sitting here in a sort of creative limbo, I hum the Jimmy Cliff song to myself often, and try to be comfortable with the fact that nothing I have ever done before will work for me now, and I have no idea what to do next. In the flashing moments where I can let that be okay, an ocean of possibility opens up. The trick is drop the oars and just let my little boat bob in the waves. When I try to paddle, I only get tired and lost.

Looking at some of my strengths, I'm a blogger, not an author, a cook, not a chef, an artist, not a factory. It makes sense to me to keep cooking, keep feeding my family and friends, keep making notes, keep making stuff, and keep sharing my best successes with you here. I never really know what's going to work, in the kitchen, or in life either. I do know that writing a blog for the purpose of getting noticed, getting sponsors, and getting paid is a silly idea. But I don't know that a well-tended blog won't someday evolve into something bigger than the sum of it's individual posts. I only know that I don't know anything, and from that starting point, again and again, anything can happen.

I can't talk about my life right now, but I can talk about food. Stick around. Let's eat.

Comments

Merikay said…
You ARE a very creative and talented woman. Looking at pictures of your work I see excellence in craftsmanship. That being said it is very hard to get paid what we are worth as artists. My biggest year (out of 30+) was less than 20K gross!

I agree that writing a book is very hard way to make money. Particularly cookbooks now that so many people are using the web based recipe sources.

I hope you do keep sharing your recipe ideas and your other beautiful creations with us. Even if all we can do is give you praise.

I truly hope the crisis in your life resolves itself favorable and you will be able to look back at this time as a "past" challenge.
Penny said…
Well, I love to hear about everything with and about you, no matter what it is :)! Cannot believe you even *dare* to question you talent!! Tsk tsk lol!
Rachel said…
"The trick is drop the oars and just let my little boat bob in the waves. When I try to paddle, I only get tired and lost."

These 2 sentences clearly put into words where I am now. Nicely said Ms Miles...nicely said.....
Joan Tucker said…
Float a little, paddle a little, let the rapids take you, come up get a breath, row,check out the scenery, let someone tow you, paint the boat, catch some sun, float and sleep, dream on the water, invite some friends on your boat, send signals, and float again. Kim you describe what life is all about without the illusion
Of control. Best wishes coming your way. I love your writing. Joan Tucker
Zoe Nelson said…
I agree with Rachel. Those words resonated with me, as I'm in limbo also. Is there something in the "water"? Love and light to you.
Sue said…
I think it is the times we are in as a nation and as people. Waiting for clarity as we experience each day. Life is a bit confusing, but God is good and I expect something wonderful to happen in the future.